Cinematic Disasters - Santa Claus: The Movie

 

It's been awhile since I've done a Cinematic Disaster. So as a little early Christmas present I present to you me having to suffer by having to review a terrible movie.

Santa Claus: The Movie (or just Santa Claus as it's titled on-screen) is a Christmas movie that was produced by Santa Claus Productions (cause I guess Santa owns his own film production) and Calash Corporation N.V. with Tri-Star Pictures distributing. The story was written by David & Leslie Newman (and if those names sound familiar it's because they wrote the first three Superman movies) and directed by Jeannot Szwarc.

The story is, somewhere in the Middle Ages Europe there was a man named Claus who delivered hand-carved toys to the children of his village. During this time Claus and his wife were caught in a snow storm and almost died, but were saved by elves. Since that day, Claus has been delivering presents to not only to the kids of his village but all around the world for centuries. But his legacy is soon put in jeopardy when a greedy business man wants to sell gifts for the purpose of money, regardless if his presents are safe or not.

My Thoughts

So our movie starts off innocently enough with that previous stuff I said about Claus giving gifts to the children of his village, then the snow storm, and then being rescued by elves. Although I think the term elf or elves should be used loosely here. Because we have some shots where they're small like an elf and others times the elves are just really short people. Anyhow, but once then "elves" bring Claus to the workshop, they pretty much just thrust the title of "Santa Claus" onto him. I mean it the head elf (I forgot what he's name is) is basically saying you will do this, you will do that, you have to do this as well. And Claus isn't questioning any of this. He stands around perplexed and just accepts this new life of his. I get he was already doing something similar before what with giving the village kids presents, but dude! This is a lot to take in! For crying out Claus just arrived and already he's told to be Santa Claus.

So after unloading all of that on a guy they just meant, the elves get started by designing his suit and after rejecting the green one they decided the red one is the correct color. But when they aren't decided on what's fashionable, we get this very bizarre scene of the elves waiting for a star to align, for the light to shine on them, then for snow to fall on them, and then they proceed to congratulate each other and break out into dance. I swear of my mother, father, and sister I'm not making this up. That's an actual scene and it's never explained what that is. What kind of workshop is Santa running?

Then we get a very eyebrow raising scene. Just as Santa is about to start his first day on the job, we're all greeted to ancient elf named...The Ancient Elf, creative. But if you thought the snow dance thing whatever was odd get ready for this. Basically during this scene The Ancient Elf tells Claus he's fulfilling a prophecy that a chosen one who had no children of his own would love all the children of the world and bring the elves' gifts to all of the children. How is that Jesus Christ is not only the son of God, but is also the savior who died for our sins then three days later came back from the dead and yet he isn't getting this level of hype? I mean, Santa Claus is a prophecy?! What the hell?!? I thought Santa was just a cool guy who wanted to give gifts to all the good boys and girls? 😆

So after doing his job for centuries, Santa finds himself overworked by ever-increasing demand. But thankfully an elf named Patch, (by the way get use to him using the word "elf" in his sentences like how the Smurfs use the word "Smurf" in their sentences) has an idea. He's made a machine that'll get toys from scratch and put them together quickly too. Then Santa takes the toys where he meets a homeless boy named Joe who at first doesn't believe he's the real deal Santa Claus. Then because Santa feels bad for the boy's situation in life and also kind of wants to prove him wrong, teleports Joe and himself to his sleight and shows him what he can do. Okay homeless kid or not I'm pretty sure Santa just committed a kidnapping. Sure Joe's mind is blown away by what he's seeing and he did agree to go on the trip, but I'm still pretty sure this counts as a kidnapping. Then the duo meets a girl named Cornelia who actually knows Joe because she leaves food out in the open for him to eat. Then Santa leaves the two so they'll be better acquainted. Okay so I guess he knew that those two know each other so I'll stop with the kidnapping jokes, but I'm still be keeping my eye on this Santa.

Then it's Christmas Day and all of the kids are playing with Patch's toys. Until they start to break apart rather quickly. Probably should've tested the toys before delivering them there Santa. And during this time Joe and Cornelia are both being bullied by the angry children because they said they rode with Santa. Okay I know children aren't very bright because their brains aren't fully developed yet, but shouldn't these kids be entertaining the idea that maybe just maybe there's a 99.99% chance both Joe and Cornelia are lying? Literally anybody could say the rode with Santa.

Afterwards we cut back to the workshop where everyone is saddened by the failed toys. And I'm not gonna lie this is actually a pretty good moment. At first Santa knows he needs to fire Patch, but Patch is such a good friend he knows Santa can't bring himself to say it, so Patch willingly sets down. Then he watches on in sadness when he sees the new elf take his old job. Then to make the scene even more of a gut punch, Patch says his goodbyes to the reindeer who are so sad to see Patch leave and they're actually crying for him. Then Patch leaves feeling like a failure. Like I said it's really good scene and I truly enjoyed it despite the depressing story being told.

But then we got from sad to goofy when we meet the greedy business man I mentioned earlier simply named B.Z. And John Lithgow's performance is so over the top you can't help but love it. Hell he's character is so cartoonishly evil he puts nails and broken glass in teddy bears. I shit you not he actually has teddy bears with nails and broken glass in them. I get the movie is trying to show he's the opposite of Santa because Santa wants playable and safe toys, while B.Z. just wants to get them out as quickly as possible regardless of the consequences, but how the hell does that happen?!? How do you wind up with teddy bears with nails and broken glass? What did B.Z. hire a sociopathic serial killer?! How does that happen?!?!

And yet despite this very well documented recklessness, not only is B.Z. allowed to stay in business but Patch wants to work with him? I'm sorry....what? Why? B.Z. was just in court for the teddy bear thing which was both photographed and televised for everybody to see so imagine Patch saw it. So why work with the guy? So Patch is giving his pitch to B.Z. saying he'll make a product for him and during which Patch says they'll give away his idea for free...in which we get this amazing delivery.

....How did this not become a meme? That was perfect!

Eventually B.Z. agrees on the free thing. Then Patch makes a lollipop that can make people float, and he starts traveling around to deliver his new invention. Then we catch up on Cornelia where the housemaid (yes Cornelia is not only an orphan but she's rich. Sorry I didn't mention that earlier) tells her to say Merry Christmas to her "step-uncle". Okay I get a step-mom, step-dad, step-son, and step-daughter, but how does one get a step-uncle? That doesn't sound like a real thing.

But ignoring that odd step-uncle thing, Cornelia goes to say Merry Christmas to him and it's revealed he's none other than...

Okay! Forget "For Free?!?!". How didn't this become a meme?! From the dramatic chair spin all the way to the evil laugh, this is ripe for meme material! 🤣

So after that glorious moment, seriously how did that NOT become a meme? We seen the flying candy is taking off all the while Patch believes this'll get him back into Santa's good graces. Which is an odd plan to say the least. Couldn't he redeem himself just by continuing working with Santa only this time making sure the toys are tested before releasing them to the public?

We go back to B.Z. and ask Patch what would happen if the formula was juiced up. Patch answers with it would make people fly and after hearing that B.Z. now has another unsafe get rich get scheme. But when Patch gives a time table which also mentions how Christmas is once a year, B.Z. not only wants to strike while the iron is hot, but also decides that we need another Christmas. So he comes up with the idea of March 25th being "Christmas II". After hearing that I'm just reminded of how both people and corporations have an unhealthy Christmas obsession. First we get Christmas in July because apparently Uncle Sam isn't good enough and when you go to Walmart during the fall season when we should be celebrating Halloween, in the far back ya a small but noticeable set of freakin' Christmas decorations on stand by! So folks do me a favor, PRAY WE DON'T GET AN OFFICIAL CHRISTMAS II ON MARCH 25TH!

Sorry for that meltdown there. Had to get something off my chest. Anyhow, but B.Z. just doesn't want money but he also wants to be the new Santa Claus to the point where children are writing to him. And he celebrates by...drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in a wine glass. I know this doesn't effect the story but does anybody else find that weird? You drinks beer in a wine glass?

So after more clichéd yet still somewhat enjoyable cartoonish villainsy from B.Z. we learn the new flying candy explodes when exposed to heat. But because they have millions of dollars invested in this, B.Z. still wants to give the candy away. And just save his own ass he'll still take the cash but put all of the blame on Patch. Okay I was wrong we had more over the top evil from this guy.

Later Cornelia calls the police and B.Z. is arrested. Man she's a snitch! I wanted more B.Z. and his cartoon brand of evil. While that's happening Patch and Joe put the exploding candy in Patch's sleigh and they head off to the North Pole to keep the candy from hurting anyone or anything. But the candy is set to exploded at any given time, so now we've got a ticking clock. So Santa and Cornelia race to save Patch and Joe. And Santa saves them with a move I would tell you about or make a short video, but go look it up or watch this movie for free on Tubi while you still can. You will not believe the trick Santa uses. So afterwards the day is saved and Joe and Cornelia can live at Santa's workshop. Okay Joe is understandable because he's homeless, but Cornelia? Sure she's an orphan, but doesn't see have friends she can live with? I imagine a rich background would give you some connections?

So that was Santa Claus: The Movie. I still find this to be bad, but it's also bizarrely entertaining and not just because of B.Z. So you know what? Give this look. Like I said before it's currently free on Tubi so go watch right now if you something weirder this Christmas season.

My final rating is, So Bad It's Good.

So that's gonna wrap things up. Come back on Thursday, Dec 11th, for a comic book review. What comic will it be? Well you're gonna have to figure it out. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.