Cinematic Disasters - Gigli

 

Gigli is a 2003 comedy film. The movie was produced by Revolution Studios, Columbia Pictures, Casey Silver Productions, and City Light Films and distributed by Sony Pictures Releasing. Gigli was written and directed by Martin Brest.

The story is Gigli is order to kidnap the younger brother of a powerful federal prosecutor. However things don't go according to plan and because of that Gigli's boss sends in Rickie. But another problem starts to rear it's ugly head as Gigli begins to start falling in love with Rickie which can be seen as a hazard to their job.

My Thoughts

So our movie really gets going when Gigli enters a mental hospital (because the guy (Brian) he's suppose to kidnap is mentally challenged) and just simply takes Brian with no problem whatsoever. I mean it. This is probably the easiest abduction in cinema history. Especially since there was no security or anything. Why isn't there security here though? This is a place for the mentally challenged and yet no officers or anything.

Later on Gigli and Brian are at Gigli's apartment and a couple of minutes later we're introduced to Rickie (I'll get into her character later) and she tells Gigli that she's here because Gigli "f*cked up". How? I mean it, how did he screw this up? Nobody was paying attention to what Gigli was doing with Brian, there were no security guards, and despite Brian's small outburst it wasn't enough to cause a scene. So how did Gigli screw up?! It's never explained what he did wrong. Like I wrote down previously it was probably the easier abduction in cinema history.

Then Gigli calls Louis (his boss) to explain why Rickie is here. And Louis says he doesn't trust Gigli and that he f*cked up. Once again I ask, HOW DID HE SCREW UP?! And another thing, Louis gave Gigli the job in the first place. So if he didn't trust him why did he give him the job then? I believe we're only 16 minutes into the movie and already nothing makes any sense.

So now we have a scene of Rickie talking about her reputation. Which much like how Gigli supposedly screwed up it's never explained. We have no idea what her reputation even is. Sure given the smallest details about a criminal's job can work by they went about it ALL wrong.

By the way, read this bit of dialogue that actually from the movie,

"If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am fuckin' Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin' cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster's gangster!"

Yes. That's real. All of that was a real line that Ben Affleck said. And I don't if was suppose to be funny in an intentionally way or unintentionally way. Either way it's not a very good line. I mean "original gangster's gangster"?

Then later on Christopher Walken comes into the picture and it starts off boring.....but then this happens.

I've convinced myself that wasn't part of the script. I genuinely think Christopher Walken just really wanted some pie that day. Either way it's probably the only good scene in the entire film.

Then Gigli and Rickie decide to take Brian out to eat somewhere but they can't have him dressed the way he is because someone might recognize him. So this means that have to disguise him, and the disguise is so brilliant. I mean a hoodie, a leather jacket, a hat, AND A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. Yep, nobody will be able to know it's him now.

Now around what I want to say was the 47 minute mark on this movie I came to realize something, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have no chemistry in this movie. Which is something truly amazing because around this time they were dating. How can two people be dating, start in a movie together, and not have any chemistry? I don't understand that.

Later Gigli gets a call from his mom about something (I forgot what is was) and guess what? This scene is ultimately pointless! It's not funny, it's not engaging, and most of all it doesn't advance the plot any further.

Speaking of terrible scenes, Jennifer Lopez does yoga and talks about sex and yet somehow despite it being Jennifer Lopez it's not hot. I got hand it to the filmmakers, that takes actually talent. I mean it folks, to take a beautiful woman write down a scene where she's doing yoga/talk about sex and make it boring is a real talent.

Then we cut to a scene where Gigli gets a call from Louise saying he has to cut off Brian's thumb and this makes Gigli sick. Why? He still remembers he's a gangster right? Did he not think he was going to have to do something gruesome in this line of work?

Later Rickie's girlfriend shows and have a couple minutes of arguing she decides to try to commit suicide. No seriously.....that's how that scene ends. She comes to Gigli's apartment, argues, and then tries to kill herself. I mean....wow, that scene escalated quickly.

So they later take her to the hospital and then we learn that Rickie also doesn't want to cut off Brian's finger. Which shocked me beyond comprehension! I mean remember folks, Rickie's the one with the "reputation".

After Rickie and Gigli find a way to NOT cut off Brian's thumb and trick their boss we later go back to Gigli's apartment and get taste of this absolutely sexy dialogue.

What? You're saying that wasn't sexy? That wasn't arousing? That this line in no way got you hot?!

Well give yourself a pat on the back then cause you're a very smart individual.

So afterwards Gigli and Rickie get a call from Louise saying their boss wants to talk with them about the whole thumb thing. And we find out that their boss is played by Al Pacino, and I gotta give credit where it's due. Al's trying but sadly even he can't do anything for this movie. Which should tell ya something. If both Christopher Walken (despite he's amazing pie moment) and Al Pacino can't do anything for your movie it's doomed. Simply as that.

Thankfully after that scene we're nearing the end of the movie! So you would thank that means the last couple of minutes of just going to breeze on by right? WELL YOU'RE WRONG! The pacing of these final moments are dreadful! It just keeps going and going and going and going and GOING! It almost feels like no matter what the movie will never end!

Now some people have called this "The worst movie ever made" I wouldn't call it that but, it's definitely terrible. What with our main stars having next to no chemistry, a story that makes no sense, unlikable characters, terrible comedy, even worst dialogue (seriously "original gangster's gangster"?), a lot of scenes that go nowhere, and despite only being 2 hours and a minute long it somehow feels longer than that.

My final rating is Destroy It!

Well thank the lord this review is over. I mean it sitting through this film almost felt like a chore. Back anyhow come back on Saturday, Jan 13th for my review of the newest Nicolas Cage flick, Willy's Wonderland. Until then enjoy the rest of your day.