Cinematic Disasters - Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

 

Well folks, I think I found a movie that can rival the stupidity of those Friedberg and Seltzer films I reviewed.

Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star is a comedy movie that was produced by Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison Productions, and Miles Deep Productions and distributed by Sony Pictures Releasing. Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star was written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, and Nick Swardson and directed by Tom Brady (and no, I'm talking about the football star).

The story is Bucky Larson is a man-child who still lives with his folks. One night him and friends watch an old 70's porn film, and see that the two stars in it are none other than Bucky's parents. After learning this, sets out for Hollywood to follow in his parents footsteps.

My Thoughts

Before I get into anything regarding the plot, let me give my opinion on Bucky himself. This character...absolutely sucks. He's a moron! And I'm talking lovable idiot, he's a moron in the sense that his stupidity just makes him incredibly annoying. Throughout the whole movie you'll just be begging for the absolute worst things to happen to him. That's how awful of a main character he is.

Now with that out of the way, let's get into the story. During the first two minutes I really should've considered this a warning of things to come. First off, during the opening sequence, a man smears peanut butter on his on crotch so he can do unspeakable things with his goats. Yes, that happened. It wasn't something that came from my mind. Afterwards the movie starts off with Bucky at his job at being a bag boy. Then for some reason, his boss picks a fight with him, starts hitting himself, and claims Bucky did it then fires him. That doesn't make sense, cause three or four people saw what happened. Also, if they wanted to make Bucky unemployed, they could've just started off with him being unemployed. There wasn't any reason for this convoluted setup. Let me remind you, we're only two minutes in, and things already aren't looking good.

Afterwards, Bucky meets up with his friends to watch porn. There are four problems with this scene.

1) They refer to porn as "nude movies". Never in my entire life have I ever heard anyone call porn that.

2) Bucky has never watched nor heard of porn. The never watching I can buy, but never hearing about it? Even the most sheltered people have heard of porn, so that's a stretch..

3) Bucky doesn't know how to jack off. It's been quite a while since I was young, but I'm pretty sure that's one of those things that just comes naturally. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is how his friends are more than happy to help him out. Then don't touch him, they just give him verbal instructions. Either way creepy.

4) Bucky and his pals discover that the stars of the movie are Bucky's parents. Now normally when one makes a discovery, especially with the way they found out, he or she would puke. Bucky on the other hand is gleeful, and thinks his parents are stars. His friends had a more normal reaction then he did.

Now Bucky goes to tell his folks about this, and they were more than happy to tell him about their past lives. Seriously, they didn't even try to deny it or change the conversation, they just freely admit it. There's being open with your kids, then there's whatever the hell this is!

So after this talk, Bucky decides to be a pornstar just like they were. Expect, he only now discovered porn, mastrubation, and never had sex. Which really brings me to yet another problem with this film. The writers really wanted your suspension of disbelief to really be nonexistent. Everything I've told is so ridiculous that it's really hard to get invested in this story. Sure, a lot of entertainment doesn't have to always be realistic, but that suspension can only go so far, and this film is practically begging you to turn off your brain and not to think about anything.

So after some pointless scenes (a very common problem with this film among others), Bucky stops by a diner, and meets his love interest Kathy. Which I absolutely refuse to believe she would find this guy attractive.

First off, just look at him.

And even if you don't wanna judge someone by their looks, was there anything I mentioned about him previously that just screams boyfriend or husband material?

After a misunderstanding, and meeting someone who has connections, Bucky goes to a party with adult film stars, and meets one by the name of Dick Shadow. Once they're done talking Dick just decides to humiliate Bucky because of his really small package. It was at this scene I realized something, for whatever reason other than his parents, friends, Kathy, and another character that'll be mentioned soon, whenever Bucky meets someone they just immediately hate him. Before the party, his boss just picks a fight and fires him, then at the diner a waitress insults him, and he's insulted again by a friend of Kathy's. Sure we hate him because we've seen just how stupid/annoying he is, but these characters barely spent five minutes with him. I guess the filmmakers wanted us to feel sorry for him, but they went about it in a wrong way.

We later go to Bucky's first day of his new XXX career, where after just seeing a pair of breast, he screams like a monkey and climaxes. So not only has he not had sex, only gained knowledge of mastrubation and porn about a week or two ago but seeing, not touching them or anything, just seeing boobs makes him reach peak pleasurement. Remind me again why we were suppose to root for this guy and his new career path?

Bucky later meets up with Kathy again, and after telling her about the shoot, we learn that Kathy wants to be a waitress at a five-star restaurant. However she's too scared to make that dream to come true, because she once dropped a tray on someone and they got burned. I bring this up because the tone for this backstory is way off. It's played completely straight, when it really should've been a joke. It comes off as a parody of being a waitress, but it's being treated seriously.

After that bit, Miles Deep (the porn director Bucky's working with) finds that the scene he shot with Bucky was uploaded online, and after everyone sees Bucky's ridiculously tiny pecker, men are commenting about how they're no longer insecure with what they have, and women are saying they're grateful with what they have to work regarding what their man has. This movie is borderline stupid, but that's gotta be the most realistic I've heard.

Miles thinks he's got the next big hit on his hands, but after getting rejected twice (with both scenes being so similar one of them might as well have gotten cut), he later gets funding from the Vietnamese mafia...and that's it. Seriously, you'd think someone burrowing money from the mafia would go somewhere, but it doesn't. It's just a very forgettable joke and we're off to the next scene.

Speaking of the next scene, we got a hot woman about to strip out of her clothes, but you're just gonna skip that scene because you don't want to hear Bucky have another orgasm. This movie will have you willingly skip seeing a beautiful woman naked....something like this should be considered a crime.

Later Bucky becomes a big success, even winning awards. This angers Dick Shadow, remember him? And he makes a speech about said anger. So does this lead into anything? Nope. We get two more scenes with him, then he just disappears from the movie altogether. Once again, the movie wasted time on something that becomes completely pointless.

Our next scene is Bucky and Kathy deciding to take their relationship to the next step by doing it. Seriously, Kathy, you can do better. There's just two problems.

1) Much like Bucky, this is also Kathy's first time as well. Which I call bullshit! I mean, just look at her.

This movie actually wants me to believe for just one second, that men saw her, and said "Pass! Hard Pass"! Again, your suspension of disbelief can only go so far with this flick.

2) They don't have a condom that matches Bucky's itty-bitty tiny meat stick. So...Kathy makes one out of the tip of a straw....this is neither funny, charming, or whatever they were shooting for. It's just sad, incredibly sad.

The next morning Kathy decides to dump Bucky so she can explore other options. Not only is that also realistic, but YES! She finally came to her senses! Wish she did it sooner, but hey, better late than never. Nicely done Kathy. Go, go find yourself a man who'll treat you right, satisfy your needs, and is absolutely nothing like Bucky in ever conceivable way.

So because of these events, Bucky is naturally sad, and doesn't get any support from his boss Miles, or his parents. I'm not making that one up. His mom and dad are told what happened, then they just tell him to get back to work. His boss I can kinda understand not being all that invested in Bucky's relationship problems, but his own parents?! What a bunch of assholes. But wait, there's more! Turns out Kathy was told to break up with Bucky because Miles told her to. And instead of being mad at Miles, Bucky forgives Miles, and goes off to find Kathy. Seriously, Miles suffers no conquences for this, he gets off scot-free.

With all that being said and done, Bucky finds Kathy, and she gets back together with him. Why Kathy why?!? I don't care if you broke up with him by your own free will or not, YOU CAN DO BETTER! There's tons of other fish in the sea, and I'm pretty sure a majority of them are all better than Bucky! You think having his kids is only gonna bring you more happiness?! It won't! We've seen Bucky's gene pool, it'll only get worse from here!!!!

So that was Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and I don't know what to say about this one. It's awful, that's for sure. It definitely had some horrendous attempts at comedy. Comedy so bad that I seriously don't know who's the intended audience? When watching the movie, all I was doing was begging for it to end. I mean it folks, if you value your brain cells, avoid this one as much as you can.

My final rating is, Destroy It!

Ugh, you should never feel miserable when watching a comedy. Anyhow, come back on Thursday, Jan 19th, where I'll begin the Road to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts. Starting with 2007's Transformers. That's right, we're going back to Bayhem!