Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a sci-fi comedy movie. It was produced by Jalor Productions and distributed by Embassy Pictures. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was written by Paul L. Jacobson and directed by Nicholas Webster.
The story is, every parent on Mars is noticing there's something wrong with their children. They also noticed that they seemed obsessed with an tv channel showcasing Santa Claus. So the a group of Martians go to Earth, take Santa to their planet, and hope he can find a solution to their problem.
My Thoughts
The first thing you'll automatically notice with this movie is, that's it's an absolutely poorly done. Everything about tells you they didn't have the budget. The opening song alone tells you right off the bat, you're in for a terrible movie. Then there's time when a big flash appears on-screen. And that's because the camera just started rolling, and instead of just simply giving the camera some slack, they just decided to film with the flashes. Then there's makeup, costumes, props, and sets. Everyone of those things, look like they be better suited for a school play than a feature film. Don't believe me, well, here's what the martians look like.
Apparently they couldn't afford actually makeup, and by the way, there's times when you can clearly see the green paint running down their faces.
Then we see what a deadly robot looks like in this movie.
Ya know, I think in preschool I drew a robot just like this, minus the large areolas. I know for a fact I didn't draw those.
Then there's the acting...oh boy the acting. I swear, everyone's acting in this, felt like it was their first time on the job. Maybe it's just their lack of skills or maybe it's because of poor direction. I don't know, either way, yikes.
The character of Dropo. Rifftrax said it best, he's this movie's version of Jar Jar Binks. And think that's all anybody needs to say about him, so let's move on.
When watching this, there's one huge head scratching moments in here. And that's, is, nobody has a normal reaction to see maritans. Two child characters named Billy and Betty see them, scared for like four seconds, and then they just act like it's no big deal. Santa sees them, and he doesn't even flinch! I don't know about you, but if I saw an alien, I'd be freaked out.
Now for the story. This story had far more questions than answers. Like, why did they need Santa? Some sort of sage guy told them the problem is their kids are hooked up to machines since infancy, and because of that they're adults in kids bodies. So why not just stop hooking up the children to machines? Sounds like you didn't need Santa at all. Why did the martians feel the need to kidnap Billy and Betty? Sure, they said it was because they didn't want them to alert the authorities. But if they're so advanced, shouldn't they know no rational adult is gonna believe them? I mean come on, the oldest is like what? Nine? Why is Santa having such hard time with the martians? The movie said earlier he's magical. So shouldn't he be able to handle these guys without breaking a sweat? And these are just the most common questions, there's many, many, many other plot holes throughout the movie.
The last thing I'll comment on, and it's the most unintentionally hilarious thing about the whole movie, and, it's the fact, that Santa...didn't conquer anything! Nothing! He got kidnapped, enslaved, then the martians conveniently found a new solution, and then Santa's allowed to go back to Earth. I mean it, this is the only time when the movie is actually funny, and you know the writer didn't plan that.
I know there's a lot of people who look forward to seeing this movie for the Christmas season, but for me, the movie is only truly entertaining when you watch it with commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000 or Rifftrax. Cause despite how awful it is, it just didn't get to that so bad, it's good status with something like Batman & Robin or The Room.
My final rating is, Awful.
Little bit of a letdown, but whatever. Anyways, that's all for now. Come back on Thursday, Dec 21st, for my review of, Fatman. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.
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