Cinematic Disasters - Epic Movie

Well...I said in my review for Date Movie that I would review the other Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movies...so here we are.

Epic Movie is a 2007 parody movie. The movie was produced by Regency Enterprises and distributed by 20th Century Fox. Epic Movie was written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

The story is four adult orphans have won golden tickets to the most magical chocolate factory is the world. Things don't go as planned and the four orphans escape into a magically wardobe and are transported to a mystical land where they must take a stand against the evil White Bitch.

My Thoughts

So our movie starts off with a "parody" of The Da Vinci Code. And our first joke is since Lucy (one of our four main characters) is as dumb as a brick The Curator has to...break dance in order to give her her clue. How does break dancing give an idea of what the clue is? So after that she finds her golden ticket. Oh and also in this scene she was being chased by the parody version of Silas played by Kevin Hart. Yes, THAT Kevin Hart.

Then we cut to our next orphan Edward played by Kal Penn. Who I have no idea why he's even in this movie, I mean before he was in this he was in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. So he should know what a good comedy movie is and what I bad comedy movie is. Anyway other than him getting his golden ticket this whole thing is just a set up for quite possibly the worst joke you could make about Nacho Libre.

Also this joke doesn't work for three reasons. 

1) It goes on for way too long.

2) That scene just felt like it was there for the product placement.

3) Now this is the biggest one, but you can't make a parody out of a comedy movie! It's already making fun of itself so making a spoof of it already doesn't make any sense, it fall flat on it's face.

Then we transition to another one of our characters (Susan) on her plane ride to meet her new adoptive parents (by the way why is she getting adopted? She's like 24) and guess what? Now we're in "parody" of Snakes on a Plane! And the joke is the main hero of that movie is always saying the iconic "I've had it with these motherfuckin snakes on this motherfuckin plane" three times in a row. Then she's throw off the plane and lands on Paris Hilton. Was Paris Hilton even still relevant enough to be made fun of when this movie first came out? Also she steals the now dead Paris Hilton's golden ticket. Yep, one of heroes stole from a dead woman.

Then OH MY GOD! NOW WE'RE IN A PARODY OF X-MEN! Jesus, we're only 8 minutes and 34 seconds into this and we've already made fun of four different movies! Anyhow it's the same shtick as the last ones. Main character interacts with the parody versions of the thing the writers are making fun of, we have jokes that don't work, and then said character gets their golden ticket. Good news is the formula is finally over, bad news is we still have more movie to go through.

So we're finally at our "parody" of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. There are two problems with this,

1) Epic Movie came out in 2007, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory came out in 2005. So the writers are making fun of something that's outdated.

2) This whole sequence is painfully unfunny. It's just Willy Wonka and Oompa-Loompas either torturing or murdering our main heroes. That's not a joke of any sorts, it's just our characters getting killed. Sure dark comedy is great but only if it's done right and this movie is not doing right.

Later our group of characters are being held captive (oh and all the injuries or body parts they lost are now magically back). So they split up to hide from the demented Wonka and Lucy stumbles upon the wardrobe from The Chronicles of Narnia. And I'll be honest her opening it and a bunch of junk landing on her and then out of nowhere a naked woman appears did get a chuckle out of me. Note that I just chuckle not laughter!

So now she's entered Narnia or Gnarina as the movie has it spelled. Because adding an extra letter to it is funny? Where she meets Mr. Tumnus and then.....just see for yourself.

What does MTV Cribs have to do with Narnia? And much like my question about Paris Hilton was this still even relevant to still be making jokes about it? Cause I don't remember MTV Cribs being really huge back in 2007.

So Tumnus kicks her out of his house but not before giving her a device that tells her everything. Such as why he did the thing he did, the evil White Bitch, what she's done to Gnarina, and Kanye West coming out and saying the White Bitch doesn't care for black people. Okay that last one was really terrible because once again Friedberg and Seltzer are poking fun at something that's outdated. Kanye said that about George W. Bush in 2005 and this was released in 2007! By the end of 2005 this joke about what he said was done to death!

Later Edward meets the White Bitch and she offers him to join her and live with her in her White Castle. This of course means she was referring to the restaurant and because Edward's played by Kal Penn he wonders if he's been there before. I bring this up because it really feels like the movie was telling me to watch a better comedy flick, or maybe that was just my interpretation.

We cut to Peter, Edward, Susan, and Lucy where they discover they're all related to each other and that they're heroes. Especially Peter which gives us a parody of Superman Returns. And this joke could have worked but they ruined it by telling us what they were making fun of in the first place.

Edward later goes to tell the White Bitch about the recent events. She tricks him to tell her everything and then right out of nowhere we're in Punk'd parody....because why not!

Now we're back with Peter, Susan, and Lucy were they go on a journey to start their training. And now we're in a spoof version of Harry Potter because Friedberg and Seltzer can't go for one scene without referencing (not parodying) a popular movie.

So after hatching a plan of escape with Captain Jack Swallows (yes now the writers are trying but failing to parody Pirates of the Caribbean) Edward is now free from his prison. Then we have a rap number. No I'm serious.

I swear this song was only here to pad out the runtime. And maybe shill some product placement but mostly pad out the runtime.

We go back to the rest of the gang, who have finished their training, return to Gnarnia, and....we get a parody of Borat. WHY?! Borat is already a comedy making a spoof out of a comedy doesn't work! Also they completely ripped off the whole Borat's sister is the number four prostitute. And all they did was change one word. Yeah that still makes it a rip off Seltzer and Friedberg, just because you changed it slightly doesn't make it a whole new joke.

So Peter, Lucy, and Susan plan bust Edward out of his prison (he got recaptured previously) so they go to Aslo (the parody of Aslan) for his help. He agrees (but only have having a foursome them first. You may now vomit) and they go off to rescue him. After Edward is rescued Aslo gets into a fight with Silas, and it's not funny. The whole joke is it's not the actors fighting but their stunt doubles. Not only is it not funny but it's also lazy. They used this same joke in their previous movie Date Movie. Then Also is killed by the White Bitch. So now he felt pointless.

Then we have a scenes that are both gross and uncomfortable. Peter and Mystique (Yeah, somehow the X-Men from previously found their way here) go have sex, and like I said it's very uncomfortable because Peter's making some very......interesting request. Kind of makes me wonder about the writers mental status. We also have the gang partying before the big final battle and during this Susan vomits on everybody. It wasn't funny it was gross. And the weird thing is these could have worked, we've seen gross out humor work many times before but since this is coming Friedberg and Seltzer of course it fails.

Now it's the final battle between Peter, Edward, Susan, and Lucy and the White Bitch and her army. It want as well as you'd think and all seems lost until...and I kid you not, Peter finds the remote from Click and they win.

And with that I'm done with this movie.

So that was Epic Movie and it's garbage. The jokes don't work and whatever jokes do work they're ruined within seconds, our characters are moronic or bland or both, there are more references than there is actually humor and overall it just sucks.

My final rating is Destroy It!

Finally I can move on! So do come back on Monday, Jul 6th for my A Look Back at review of Regular Show. Until then enjoy the rest of your day and avoid this movie.