Cinematic Disasters - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a sci-fi comedy movie. It was produced by Jalor Productions and distributed by Embassy Pictures. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was written by Paul L. Jacobson and directed by Nicholas Webster.

The story is, every parent on Mars is noticing there's something wrong with their children. They also noticed that they seemed obsessed with an tv channel showcasing Santa Claus. So the a group of Martians go to Earth, take Santa to their planet, and hope he can find a solution to their problem.

My Thoughts

The first thing you'll automatically notice with this movie is, that's it's absolutely poorly done. Everything about this tells you they didn't have the budget. The opening song alone tells you right off the bat, you're in for a terrible movie. Then there's time when a big flash appears on-screen. And that's because the camera just started rolling, and instead of just simply giving the camera some slack, they just decided to film with the flashes. Then there's makeup, costumes, props, and sets. Everyone of those things look like they be better suited for a school play than a feature film. Don't believe me, well, here's what the martians look like.

Apparently they couldn't afford actually makeup, and by the way, there's times when you can clearly see the green paint running down their faces.

Then we see what a deadly robot looks like in this movie.

Ya know, I think in preschool I drew a robot just like this, minus the large areolas. I know for a fact I didn't draw those.

Then there's the acting...oh boy the acting. I swear, everyone's acting in this felt like it was their first time on the job. Maybe it's just their lack of skills or maybe it's because of poor direction. I don't know, either way, yikes.

The character of Dropo. Rifftrax said it best, he's this movie's version of Jar Jar Binks. And think that's all anybody needs to say about him, so let's move on.

When watching this there's one huge head scratching moment in here. And that is, nobody has a normal reaction to see maritans. Two child characters named Billy and Betty see them, scared for like four seconds, and then they just act like it's no big deal. Santa sees them and he doesn't even flinch! I don't know about you, but if I saw an alien, I'd be freaked out.

Now for the story. This story had far more questions than answers. Like, why did they need Santa? Some sort of sage guy told them the problem is their kids are hooked up to machines since infancy, and because of that they're adults in kids bodies. So why not just stop hooking up the children to machines? Sounds like you didn't need Santa at all. Why did the martians feel the need to kidnap Billy and Betty? Sure, they said it was because they didn't want them to alert the authorities. But if they're so advanced, shouldn't they know no rational adult is gonna believe them? I mean come on, the oldest is like what? Nine? Why is Santa having such hard time with the martians? The movie said earlier he's magical. So shouldn't he be able to handle these guys without breaking a sweat? And these are just the most common questions, there's many, many, many other plot holes throughout the movie.

The last thing I'll comment on, and it's the most unintentionally hilarious thing about the whole movie, and it's the fact, that Santa...didn't conquer anything! Nothing! He got kidnapped, enslaved, then the martians conveniently found a new solution, and then Santa's allowed to go back to Earth. I mean it, this is the only time when the movie is actually funny and you know the writer didn't plan that.

I know there's a lot of people who look forward to seeing this movie for the Christmas season, but for me, the movie is only truly entertaining when you watch it with commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000 or Rifftrax. Cause despite how awful it is, it just didn't get to that so bad, it's good status with something like Batman & Robin or The Room.

My final rating is, Awful.

Little bit of a letdown, but whatever. Anyways, that's all for now. Come back on Thursday, Dec 21st, for my review of, Fatman. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.

Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget Review

 

Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget is a stop-motion comedy movie and the sequel to the 2000 film. It's produced by Aardman Animation and Netflix Animation and distributed by Netflix. Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget is written by Karey Kirkpatrick, John O'Farrell, and Rachel Tunnard and directed by Sam Fell.

The story is Ginger, Rocky and the rest of the gang have been living in harmony since escaping the farm. Everything seems perfect, until they receive bad news. A new threat has appeared on the mainland, and this could be trouble for Ginger and co. Now, instead of breaking out, they must break in.

Initial Reaction

Having really loved the first movie, I was fully on board for the sequel. Although I was a bit skeptical because only one of the three original writers came back, but I still remained hopeful.

Cons

I've got nothing.

Middle Ground

The only mix bag was the story. Now, overall the premise is actually pretty good. I think the one of the two issues stem from a lighter tone and fan-service. Now maybe the lighter tone won't bother you and for the most part it didn't really bother me, but with this lighter tone it did feel the movie's stakes were that bad, even though there still is some danger involved, if that makes any sense. Which brings me to the fan-service. Now,there's nothing wrong with fan-service, especially when it's executed well, here there a few times, not too many, where the fan-service felt like it got in the way.

Pros

One pro was the acting. Now it does take a bit of time to get use to the new voices, but when that's out of the way, you can clearly hear just how talented the cast is. They did a tremendous job. Then there's the humor, while some jokes didn't work, for the most part I had a good laugh. Sure, I wish it was on par with the first movie, but with what we got, it's not too bad. The absolute best thing about the entire movie was the animation. Unsurprisingly Aardman did a fantastic job with the stop motion. But for this movie there was stop motion and digital technology, and those two things blended perfectly. I mean it, I didn't notice anything digital at all. That's how great of a job the animators did.

While Dawn of the Nugget isn't as good as the first movie, the movie was still far better than what I feared it was gonna be.

My final rating is, Good.

Alright, that's all for today. Come back on Monday, Dec 18th, for my Cinematic Disasters review of, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.

A Look Back at Chicken Run (2000)

 

With Dawn of the Nugget arriving very soon, it's time to look back at the first movie.

Chicken Run is a stop-motion comedy movie. It was produced by DreamWorks Animation, Aardman Animation, Allied Filmmakers, and Pathe and distributed by DreamWorks Pictures. The movie is Aardman's first feature-length film. Chicken Run was written by Peter Lord, Nick Park, and Karey Kirkpatrick and directed by Peter Lord and Nick Park.

The story is there's an egg farm run by the cruel Mrs. Tweedy and her submissive husband, and at this farm if a chicken can't lay any eggs, they're done for. Because of this, a rebellious chicken named Ginger wants to bust out of the farm and take both herself and her friends somewhere safe. She thinks she's found the answer with a rooster named Rocky Rhodes.

• Negatives

I've got nothing.

• Mix

Still nothing.

• Positives

It goes without saying but, the claymation, stop motion, whatever term you want to use, is spectacular. It's also very surprising how despite being clay, we're able to see so much emotions out of the characters.

Speaking of characters, the movie does a tremendous job with them. All of the animal characters are very likable and charming. There's really no character to hate, well you'll most likely hate the Tweedys, but they're the villains so who cares.

Which now brings me to the humor. This was and will always be a funny film. While there are physical bits of comedy, the strongest bits of humor mainly comes from the dialogue. One that had me laugh out loud was when one of the chickens said "I don't want to be a pie, I don't like gravy." Like seriously? THAT'S your biggest issue with the whole pie thing? 😆

The last thing I'll praise is the story. Not only is it funny, it's also very entertaining how this is basically The Great Escape but with chickens, but what also made the story great was it's pretty dark despite being very lighthearted. Mainly because these chickens will actually die if they fail and are then get captured. Something the movie touches on earlier. So there's some actual stakes involved.

Chicken Run is a very fun movie and I strongly recommend you watch it, if you haven't already.

My final rating is, A Must Watch.

Okay, that's gonna do it. Come back on Saturday, Dec 16th, for my review of Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Christmas: Cabin Fever Review

 

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Christmas: Cabin Fever is an animated Christmas comedy movie. It's the seventh overall installment in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid film franchise, but the third animated feature. It's also the adaptation of the 2011 book, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever. It's produced by Bardel Entertainment, Titmouse, Twentieth Century Animation, and Walt Disney Pictures and distributed by Disney+. Diary of a Wimpy Kid Christmas: Cabin Fever is written by Jeff Kinney and directed by Luke Cormican.

The story is it's Christmas time, and Greg is gonna do everything he can to be a good kid. But like everything else in his life, things take an unexpected turn with a giant snowball, which in return makes Greg think he's a wanted criminal. Then just to make matters more complicated, both him and his family are stuck inside their house during a massive snowstorm.

Initial Reaction

Honestly, I'm doing this because since 2021, reviewing these movies has pretty much become a holiday season tradition for this blog. So why stop now? 😆

Cons

I've got nothing. Just move on.

Middle Ground

Once again, I'm getting it brief with the animation. While I still found it serviceable, there were quite a few nice looking shots this time around. Nothing that's gonna make your jaw drop, but still not bad. Then we have the story. Now yes, the overall message is the whole be kind to others and it's not about the gifts, but it's about giving. That should be seen as a major eye roll but, I didn't mind the message. Sure as the story progressed I knew where it was going, but I was more than willing to give it a pass, because the messages weren't so heavy handed and in your face about it.

Pros

One thing I'll give credit to is the voice work. With the first movie I felt like the actors and actress needed to put more emotion into their roles, then in the second movie I believed there was an improvement, now with this, I think the actors and actress have finally found comfort in their roles. Then there's the humor. With the first two movies, the jokes kinda worked. There were times I just didn't laugh, but the humor was okay. With this movie, I laughed lot more than previously.

While Diary of a Wimpy Kid Christmas: Cabin Fever is the so far the strongest of the three movies, it's still not something I think you should watch immediately.

My final rating is, Okay.

That's all for now. Come back on Thursday, Dec 14th, for my A Look Back at review of, Chicken Run. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.

Classic Film Night - Miracle on 34th Street

 

Miracle on 34th Street is a Christmas comedy-drama movie. It was produced and distributed by 20th Century Fox. Miracle on 34th Street is written by George Seaton and Valentine Davies and directed by George Seaton.

The story is after filling in for a drunken employee for Thanksgiving parade, a man named Kris Kringle dresses up as Santa Claus and soon becomes very popular. But with his insistence that he's the real St. Nick, his mental health is soon called into question.

My Thoughts

One praise to give the movie is it's very realistic. While I do love the goofy Christmas comedies such as Christmas Vacation or the more magical specials such as Frosty the Snowman, it was a nice change to watch a Christmas film that didn't have that stuff. It's just a nicely done grounded Christmas flick.

Now I mentioned comedy previously. Despite the realistic take the movie goes with, there's still plenty of hilarious moments throughout. Two of them being a guy getting his wife absolutely hammered only by the end of it to be pointless, and a scene where a kid has to be called to the stand during court, which was hysterical. I could go into more details about those scenes, but it's best to see them for yourself.

The movie has a great cast, but the one actor who completely stole the show, was Edmund Gwenn. The guy killed it this role. There actually came a point where you almost wish he was the true Santa Claus. A matter of fact, he was so convincing in the role, his fellow cast members thought he actually was indeed Santa Claus. Let me reiterate, he was so convincing, that the cast actually thought he was the genuine article. If that doesn't convince you how talented he was, then immediately stop reading this, and go watch the movie.

The last thing I'll praise is the story itself. There's great messages about faith, with the running quote being "Faith is believing things when common sense tells you not to." Now a lot of you most likely think that's pretty sappy, but come folks, when you get down to it, Christmas itself can be described as sappy. But ignoring that, how many of you put faith into something as suppose to common sense? You wanted to be hopeful as suppose to being realistic. Besides that message, there's also a very relevant topic about how Christmas has become too commercialized. That only thing that people care about is the presents and not family. Sure, that's pretty much the message with Christmas movie or TV special, to the point of being an overused cliché, but I found this movie executed that far better, mainly because it was beating you over the head.

Guys, Miracle on 34th Street is a essential Christmas movie to watch. While I do enjoy my doses of Home Alone, A Christmas Story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (both the original tv special and live-action movie), and etc. This is also a film I look forward to every holiday season. Hell, we should open up the season with this movie before the ones I mentioned previously.

My final rating is, A Must Watch.

That's all for now. Come back on Saturday, Dec 9th, for my review of Diary of a Wimpy Kid Christmas: Cabin Fever. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.

Silent Night Review

 

Silent Night is an action-thriller movie. It's produced by Thunder Road Films, Capstone Studios, and A Better Tomorrow Films and distributed by Lionsgate. Silent Night is written by Robert Archer Lynn and directed by John Woo.

The story is on Christmas Eve, John Godluck was just enjoying a wonderful Christmas season with his family. Then things all changed when he gets injured to the point of being unable to speak and his family was killed. Now, John's on the warpath and he won't stop until everyone responsible has payed for what they did.

Initial Reaction

Now I was excited for this movie the moment I saw the trailer on Twitter/X. It looked like it was gonna be a very fun action revenge flick. So excited, that I decided to finally watch some John Woo movies. More specifically he's big four winning streak films, A Better Tomorrow, The Killer, Bullet in the Head, and Hard Boiled.

Cons

I've got nothing, just scroll down.

Middle Ground

Ultimately, the big mix bag for the movie was the story. Now I had no issue with the whole revenge aspect. Sure, we've seen the whole father or other family member get revenge for the big tragedy. That part I found fine. But the thing that could've been more polished was the whole silence gimmick. If they wanted to keep the dialogueless throughout, okay, I'll appalled them for that. But what they could've done is gone deeper with the other characters. We barely get to know anything about the gang members or the cop that later appears. So if anything, the story could've stayed the same, but definitely needed to be just a bit longer.

Pros

Now to tell you about what was right about Silent Night. One being Joel Kinnaman's performance. Now I know he's a talented actor, but I was still impressed with how he was able to do so much without saying anything. Sure we hear him, but it's mainly just grunts and stuff, and even then he manages not to screw up the fact his character suffered a serious neck injury. Cause when we do hear those grunts, he also makes them sound very rough sounding. Then there's the one of two things that help safe this movie, one of those being the action. It's bloody fun. Gun fire, hand-to-hand fights, a spectacular car chase, and a pretty awesome staircase shootout. Just great action all around. Which brings me to John Woo's directing. Even though the story is decent, you can still expect John Woo to craft a beautifully done movie. From beginning to end, the movie looks great.

Silent Night is definitely not John Woo's strongest movie, but by the end I still had some fun with the overall product.

My final rating is, Okay.

That wraps everything up. Come back on Thursday, Dec 7th, for my Classic Film Night review of, Miracle on 34th Street. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.

Lady Ballers Review

 

Lady Ballers is a comedy movie that mocks the recent and controversial movement of men going into women's sports all while claiming they're naturally born women. It's produced by Bonfire Legend and distributed by DailyWire+. Lady Ballers is written by Jeremy Boreing, Brian A. Hoffman, and Nick Sheehan and directed by Jeremy Boreing.

The story is a former high school basketball coach is down on his luck and is at a point in his life where he'll do anything to get some sort of win. Once he hears about how men are claiming to be women and go into women sports, be hugely successful, and on top of that face no backlash, he decides it's time for his team to don wigs and pink uniforms.

Initial Reaction

The reason why I wanted to see this movie was because it's a comedy that's actually taking a risk. Nowadays it's quite clear that comedy just hasn't been the same because people will get offended over the littlest of things, and because of that we don't get any comedy films that go as far as say, Blazing Saddles. So even if the movie sucks, at least we can say the filmmakers took a chance.

Cons

I've got nothing.

Middle Ground

One grey area stems from the acting. Now, there wasn't by any stretch a terrible performance. Everyone was just okay. Serviceable even. Then there's the pacing. While it's good to be a comedy that doesn't overstay its welcome, there were times when things just go by too quickly. Now for the story. There is clearly a depth they're going for. Those being it's okay if a girl isn't good at things a boy is, because girls are better at stuff boys aren't. And the other message being how wrong it is that we have these guys pretending to women, getting praised, and how journalists, along with mainstream media and etc. are essentially trying to erase the woman aspect of female sports. Those messages are fine and hold truths, however, sometimes those messages did feel like they were getting pushed to the back, in favor of more jokes. The filmmakers probably should've taken a step back, then do another rewrite, that way the messages as well as the comedy would've had been balanced.

Pros

The best thing is definitely the comedy. Now I'm not fully biased so I will admit not every joke worked, but there still was a lot of jokes that did. And once again, while it's still funny, we should also appalled it for taken a risk at poking at something that clearly was begging to be made fun of in the first place. Especially since what's happening in women sports does feel like a parody brought to life.

Lady Ballers isn't a perfect movie. There are flaws but, it was still very funny.

My final rating is, Okay.

Anyhow, that's all for now. Come back on Monday, Dec 4th for my review of John Woo's Silent Night. Yes, originally it was gonna be uploaded today but had to reschedule because at first I wasn't finding any showings. Thankfully I found one. So expect that on Monday. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day.